A Thousand Praises a Day for Your ADHD Child? No Way!

Are we building our children's confidence, or are we telling them who they are before they've had the opportunity to discover it for themselves?

If you're parenting a child with ADHD, you've probably heard that they need more praise, more encouragement and more positive comments.

And I understand why.

Nobody wants a child growing up believing they're constantly getting things wrong. Nobody wants their child feeling incapable, inadequate or different for all the wrong reasons.

But here's my question.

At what point does praise stop helping a child discover who they are and start telling them who they're supposed to be?

Because I think there's a difference, and it's one we don't talk about nearly enough.

Where does all this advice about praise come from?

There's a claim frequently repeated in ADHD parenting discussions that children with ADHD receive around 20,000 more negative comments than other children by the age of 10 or 12.

It's an extraordinary number, isn't it?

And when parents hear something like that, understandably, they worry. They start thinking about every time they've said no, every time they've corrected their child, and every time they've asked them to stop doing something.

But where did that number actually come from?

The figure has been associated with clinical commentary, including that of Dr William Dodson, but it isn't established as the result of a controlled study counting thousands of children's everyday interactions.

That distinction matters.

I'm not questioning whether children with ADHD can experience frequent criticism. Of course they can. Difficulties with attention, impulsivity and emotional regulation can lead to repeated corrections from adults.

What I'm questioning is what happens when an estimate becomes something parents are encouraged to treat as a scientific fact.

Because once we accept a figure without questioning it, we can begin building parenting advice around something that hasn't been properly established.

And sometimes that advice becomes: praise your child more. Praise them constantly. Make sure they're hearing enough positive things to counteract the negative ones.

But is that really the answer?

If everything is brilliant, what actually is brilliant?

Imagine being a child who is constantly told:

"You're amazing!"

"You're brilliant!"

"Well done!"

"That's fantastic!"

Now, there's nothing wrong with saying those things when we genuinely mean them.

But if we're saying them about absolutely everything, what are we actually communicating?

How is a child supposed to discover what they're good at if we're telling them they're brilliant at everything?

Children need opportunities to recognise their own abilities. They need to experience the satisfaction of doing something well, the frustration of finding something difficult, and the excitement of realising they've improved.

That's part of learning about themselves.

If every attempt receives the same enthusiastic response, how does a child begin to recognise the difference between something they've mastered and something they're still learning?

And why would we want to take that discovery away from them?

Self-awareness starts long before adulthood

One of the things I talk about regularly through MindfulMama is the importance of early development.

We often focus on children's behaviour, but we don't always consider the developmental skills that sit underneath it.

Self-awareness is one of those skills.

Young children are gradually learning to recognise their feelings, their abilities, their preferences and how their actions affect the world around them.

Over time, developing executive functions, including self-monitoring, help children become increasingly aware of what they're doing and how they're managing.

But these abilities don't suddenly appear because an adult tells a child they're wonderful.

They develop through experience, interaction, opportunities to practise and appropriate support.

A child might discover that they enjoy drawing but find building difficult. They might realise they're good at remembering stories but need help following several instructions.

And that's okay.

They don't need to be brilliant at everything.

They need the opportunity to discover what interests them, what comes naturally, what takes effort and what they might want to improve.

Who are they without their ADHD?

This is something I feel particularly strongly about.

We talk so much about ADHD that sometimes I wonder whether we're forgetting to talk about the child.

We discuss ADHD behaviours, ADHD emotions, ADHD difficulties, ADHD strengths and ADHD needs.

But where is the individual in all of this?

Who are they beyond their ADHD?

I'm not suggesting ADHD disappears, or that children can simply choose not to experience their difficulties.

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition. It can have a significant impact on everyday life, and children may need considerable support.

But two children with ADHD aren't automatically the same.

One might be confident and outgoing. Another might be quiet and reserved.

One might love being around people. Another might prefer their own company.

Their interests, personalities, abilities and experiences are individual.

And I worry that when we explain absolutely everything through a diagnosis, we risk teaching children to understand themselves only through that diagnosis.

ADHD is part of who they are.

It isn't everything they are.

When explanations become expectations

We've also seen increasing discussion around terms such as rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) and pathological demand avoidance (PDA).

These terms describe experiences and patterns that people may genuinely struggle with. But neither is currently recognised as a standalone diagnosis in the main international diagnostic manuals.

That doesn't mean we dismiss someone's difficulties.

It means we should be careful about the difference between describing an experience and deciding that the description explains everything.

If a child finds criticism difficult, we need to understand why.

If they struggle with demands, we need to explore what is happening developmentally, emotionally and within their environment.

But we also need to leave room for learning.

A child who struggles with something today may develop greater capacity with appropriate support, practice and time.

And if we begin treating every difficulty as something fixed and unchangeable, are we allowing enough room for that development?

What about the effort nobody sees?

Now, this is where I think praise and recognition become particularly important.

Imagine two children waiting for a turn on a swing.

Both wait for the same amount of time.

One finds it relatively easy.

The other is struggling with impulsivity, frustration, anticipation and the effort of stopping themselves from rushing forward.

From the outside, the result looks identical.

But the effort involved might be completely different.

And that's what I think adults need to recognise.

Rather than automatically saying "Well done!" because a child waited, we might say:

"I could see how hard that was for you. You really wanted your turn, but you managed to wait."

We're recognising something meaningful.

We're helping the child connect their effort with what they've achieved.

And importantly, we're not pretending that it was easy.

This matters because children with ADHD may put considerable effort into things that other people barely notice.

Waiting, switching activities, stopping an impulse or managing frustration can involve real developmental challenges.

Recognition should reflect the child's effort and progress, not simply whether their behaviour pleased an adult.

Sometimes the most meaningful praise isn't directed at the child

There's another form of praise that I find particularly interesting.

Imagine your child has made something they're really proud of.

Later, you're speaking to another adult, and your child happens to overhear you say:

"I honestly thought she'd bought that. I couldn't believe she'd made it herself."

It's genuine. You're not delivering a rehearsed compliment or trying to manufacture a reaction.

You're simply expressing something you really think.

And the child hears it.

That can feel very different from being told "You're amazing!" for the tenth time that day.

I'm not suggesting indirect praise is some scientifically proven solution to building confidence.

I'm suggesting that authenticity matters.

Children notice when adults are genuinely impressed, interested or appreciative.

And sometimes a specific, honest observation communicates far more than constant enthusiastic praise.

Confidence isn't something we can simply give children

We often talk about building children's confidence as though it's something adults can hand over through enough positive words.

But confidence also develops through experience.

Through trying.

Through discovering.

Through struggling with something and gradually becoming more capable.

Think about the satisfaction of finally managing something you've been practising.

That feeling doesn't come entirely from somebody else telling you you're good.

It comes from recognising your own progress.

And that's something I want children to experience.

Not because they should be left to struggle alone, but because they deserve the opportunity to recognise their own developing abilities.

Support development rather than simply managing behaviour

This is where my developmental approach at MindfulMama comes in.

I use a simple pathway:

ACCOMMODATE → SCAFFOLD → PRACTISE → REPEAT → REDUCE SCAFFOLDING

First, we accommodate what a child cannot yet manage.

Then we provide the support they need to begin developing a skill.

We create opportunities to practise, repeat those experiences, and gradually reduce the support when the child is ready.

This isn't about pushing children beyond their developmental capacity.

And it certainly isn't about expecting children with ADHD to simply get on with things.

It's about recognising that support and development can happen together.

A child might need significant help today and still be developing skills that will support them tomorrow.

We shouldn't confuse accepting a child's difficulties with assuming those difficulties can never change.

So should we stop praising our children?

No. Of course not.

I'm not suggesting children shouldn't be encouraged, celebrated or reassured.

I'm asking us to think about what we're praising, why we're praising it and what the child is learning from our response.

Are we recognising genuine effort?

Are we noticing progress?

Are we helping children understand their strengths?

Are we allowing them to discover what they enjoy and what they want to improve?

Or are we so concerned with protecting their confidence that we're constantly telling them how wonderful they are without giving them the opportunity to decide what they're proud of themselves?

Because there is a difference between helping a child feel valued and convincing them they must be brilliant at everything.

And every child deserves to feel valued, regardless of what they achieve.

Let children discover who they are

For me, this isn't really about whether children should receive more or less praise.

It's about self-awareness.

It's about identity.

It's about recognising that children with ADHD are individuals who are still developing, still learning and still discovering their place in the world.

They need adults who understand their difficulties, accommodate their needs and recognise the effort they put into everyday life.

But they also need opportunities to discover their own abilities, preferences, interests and potential.

We spend so much time trying to build children's confidence through what we tell them that we risk forgetting confidence also develops through what they discover about themselves.

And I'll leave you with the question that started all of this:

If we're constantly telling children who they are, when do we give them the opportunity to discover who they are for themselves?

This article accompanies the MindfulMama podcast, ADHD Parenting Says Who?, episode: “A Thousand Praises a Day for Your ADHD Child? No Way!”

At MindfulMama, we look beyond behaviour to understand children's development and the support they need to grow.