How is emotional intelligence important for ADHD brains?

Tanya Smith
1 day ago
3 min read

When babies are born, the amygdala and the limbic system are already formed.

They may not be able to be used in a cognitive way that we can consciously control, but they are still very much in use.

From birth to around ten years old, the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that helps us rationalise when we feel overwhelmed by reminding us that situations can resolve and are not always as bad as they feel, is still developing.

By around age 10, this area typically functions at about 80% of cognitive ability. In children with ADHD, research suggests this may be closer to 30% cognitive ability.

So what does this mean for a child with ADHD?

As children develop, they take parts of their understanding of the world from the people around them. They are constantly watching and observing, but their subconscious is learning too.

This is where decisions are made about how to cope with events that feel like a threat to the nervous system.

Children absorb information in many ways, including:

listening to arguments
How parents talk about other people
How parents view the world — the news, the man at the supermarket, granny
How parents spend their time
How facial expressions change when emotions show
How other relatives react to them
What relatives say
How friends behave around them

And we could go on.

When these situations happen, all of this information is absorbed but not rationalised. What the child feels is often the first thing they act on.

Because children with ADHD spend longer with the emotional parts of the brain being dominant, their memories and decision-making can be shaped for longer by these emotional experiences.

For example:

A child overhears Granny say that people who wear blue are more likely to have the flu. Every time the child later sees someone wearing blue, they feel uncomfortable and avoid them.

No one has ever told the child to do this, but from as far back as they can remember, they have avoided blue clothes and people wearing blue because it makes them feel uneasy.

This idea gets filed away and added to over a lifetime, gradually influencing where the child goes and whom they avoid.

(Far-fetched, I know — but you get the idea.)

Why emotional intelligence matters

Children with ADHD need support in developing emotional intelligence so they can begin to understand why they feel uncomfortable and what those feelings mean.

This can start at a young age, because children absorb information even when it doesn’t look like they are listening.

This is why reading books and playing games can be so powerful in helping children learn about their feelings and their awareness.

This is not something children can learn on their own. Without guidance, they may simply repeat what they have observed, including shouting, reacting, or withdrawing, because that is what they have learnt communication looks like.

As children grow into adulthood, these emotions and early decisions become a kind of filing cabinet of opinions, collected subconsciously over time, and they can influence everyday life.

Rejection Sensitivity can be one of the most debilitating experiences for people with ADHD. It can be linked to difficulties in emotional regulation and emotional intelligence, where facial expressions, tone, comments, sounds, and body language are absorbed so quickly that the feeling of rejection is triggered in milliseconds, before the nervous system has time to cope or make sense of it.