Masking, Unmasking, and Why the Language Matters (Especially for Children)

The term masking is everywhere at the moment, particularly in conversations around ADHD and autism. While the experiences behind it are real and valid, I’ve become increasingly uncomfortable with how the word is being used, especially when we start applying it to young children.

Here’s why.

What masking originally meant

Masking was used to describe a very specific experience: chronic, involuntary suppression of traits in order to survive socially. It often came from fear, shame, or repeated rejection, and for many adults, it led to burnout, anxiety, and a loss of identity.

That experience deserves recognition and care.

Masking is comfortable but not always harmful

Where the problem starts

Over time, the word masking has expanded to mean any form of adaptation or regulation. And that’s where things become muddy.

Not all adaptation is harmful. Not all regulation is suppression. And not all learning is masking.

When we collapse all of these into one word, we lose something important: the difference between survival and skill.

Survival masking vs adaptive regulation

There is a meaningful distinction that often gets missed.

Survival masking is driven by fear: “If I don’t hide this, I won’t be accepted.” It costs energy, authenticity, and well-being.

Adaptive regulation, on the other hand, is about learning how to manage emotions, impulses, and behaviour in different contexts. It’s closer to emotional intelligence, executive function support, and social understanding. It builds capacity over time.

These are not the same thing, but they’re often talked about as if they are.

Why does this matter so much for children

When we talk about masking in adults, identity and long-term suppression are part of the picture. But a five-year-old does not have a fixed identity to “lose”.

What they have is:

• a developing nervous system

• limited emotional regulation

• a brain still learning how the world works

Teaching a child how to pause, name feelings, wait their turn, or cope with frustration is not masking. Its development.

When parents are told “don’t make your child mask”, it creates fear, confusion, and often leaves children unsupported for longer than necessary.

When unmasking goes wrong

Unmasking without skill-building can be destabilising, particularly for ADHD brains that already struggle with inhibition, emotional regulation, and future planning.

Freedom without tools isn’t empowering. It’s overwhelming.

Growth happens when children (and adults) are supported to regulate, not when they’re left to manage everything alone in the name of authenticity.

We need better language

Instead of using masking as a catch-all term, we need language that reflects what’s actually happening, such as:

• emotional regulation

• contextual behaviour

• executive function scaffolding

• emotional literacy

These terms don’t deny neurodivergence; they support it.

A more balanced view

This isn’t about forcing people to hide who they are. It’s about recognising that learning how to manage emotions and behaviour in a complex world is a skill, not a betrayal of themselves.

There is a difference between suppressing yourself out of fear and learning how to navigate life with awareness and choice.

That distinction matters.